I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize