i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
