The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
