The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
