my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
