I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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