my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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