Say something about gay babies.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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