ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
His nipple licking is glorious
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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