connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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