If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
