KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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