Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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