The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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