I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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