guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
