My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
