There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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