Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
