Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
