It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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