When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
