Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
