I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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