A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
