I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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