ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
