guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
