Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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