Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
