Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
