So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
