tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
