Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
