i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
