I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
