What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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