Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
