Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
