I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
