I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
