You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
