you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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