I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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