i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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