I looked at my own cervix.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
