god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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