and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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