If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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