I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
