I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
