I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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