I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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