My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
