After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
