I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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