Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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