ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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