remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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