he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
