Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
