I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
They have beer where we have blood.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
